(with exculpatory comments provided by President Donald J. Trump)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my country gave to me, sixty-three million votes which should have been a majority…
[They’ve got people voting that shouldn’t be voting. They vote many times, not just twice, not just three times. It’s like a circle. They come back, they put a new hat on, a new shirt on. It’s a rigged deal.]
On the eleventh day of Christmas, Kim Jong Un gave to me, a promise of nuclear neutrality…
[Some people say, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t like him’. Why shouldn’t I like him? I like him. We get along great. We’ll see what happens.]
On the tenth day of Christmas, China will give to me, the trade deal that provides us reciprocity…
[We’re close, very close on a deal. And if not, I’ll raise the tariffs. Tariffs are the greatest. If they charge us fifty percent, we’ll charge them fifty percent.]
On the ninth day of Christmas, Mexico will give to me, a big beautiful wall that keeps out illegals, I guarantee…
[And Mexico will pay for it.]
On the eighth day of Christmas, the courts will give to me, Hillary finally sentenced to the penitentiary…
[We’ll find her server and those deleted emails somewhere in the Ukraine, and it will blow your mind. #LOCK_HER_UP]
On the seventh day of Christmas, you finally understand that I’m not really a bully…
[I’m just brutally honest. I tell it like it is. If you can’t handle it, leave the country. Go back to where you came from.]
On the sixth day of Christmas, Russia gave to me, their assurance they pose no threat to our national security…
[I believe Putin when he says they didn’t meddle. My intelligence guys are just being naïve. NO MEDDLING! NO COLLUSION! NO PEE-PEE TAPE!]
Five Gol-den Rings…
[I do love my gold. Bigly!]
Four Call Girls…
[Some say more. Some say less. I don’t know. You tell me. I’m sure they’re all fine people, but it never happened. FAKE NEWS!]
Three Felt Pens…
[Or one big black Sharpie. Better to adjust those badly drawn weather maps. NO CLIMATE CHANGE!]
Two Ex-Wives…
[Only two. #KEEP_MELANIA_HAPPY]
And an impeachment hearing in the Senate that will definitely NOT end my presidency.
[I should be King. King Donald. Yeah, that sounds huuuge.]
Don't Look Down 