Got six-pack flabs? That belly full of jelly? Not yet? For those who want more in girth as in life, read on. Follow these ten simple steps and you’ll launch that paunch in no time.

1) Stop exercising. The rest is all downhill.

2) Cut down on fruit and vegetables. Eat a Fruit-Rollup if you’re craving strawberries. For vegetables, potato chips are close enough.

3) Eat larger portions. To accomplish this, dine out more often. Restaurants are very cooperative.

4) Watch more television, preferably in marathon-viewing style to keep you on the couch. Standing up uses precious calories therefore bring chips and dip in advance, and place sodas in a nearby cooler so you don’t have to walk back to the kitchen.

5) Do not, under any circumstances, do a sit-up. Morning is always difficult. Here’s a suggestion for getting out of bed. Roll onto your stomach, turn your body so that your legs extend out over the floor, and slide off until you’re in a standing position. There, that wasn’t hard.

6) No sex. Again, this burns off those calories that we’re trying to hoard. Plus, you might make a mistake and do a sit-up.

7) McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy’s, KFC, Taco Bell… You get the picture.

8) After #7, treat yourself to some Ben & Jerry’s. You’ll feel like you’re doing something for the environment as well as yourself.

9) Get your caffeine fix from Coke or Pepsi. Don’t worry which tastes better. Just drink… lots of them.

10) Fry everything.

After just thirty days, you’ll have the results you want or my name isn’t Fatty McButterPants.

If you have ideas to add to the list, please, by all means. More is better.

Until next time – Don’t Look Down
by William Darrah Whitaker