Many of us out there in the big, cold, cruel world are looking for love. And when you finally get a taste of amour, well, you want to be able to give as much as you receive. I’m no different. I recently checked my Inbox and saw I had an email from a “female admirer”, Jane, and after reading it, I realized I needed to give back. She writes in part —
I feel quit safe dealing with you in this important business via dating because it demands trust and love. Though, this medium (Internet) has been Greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it Because it still remains the fastest medium of Communication. However, this correspondence is Unofficial and private, and it should be treated as Such…I am 33yr old and living in Las Vegas,Nevada. MY Dad worked with Oil Contractors in UK , Far East of Europe and Malaysia including some parts of Asia. I worked with my father as his personal Auditor and we move around for his contracts wherever he is awarded.
My first boy friend, Brian Robbins, absconded with my dad’s money which was kept with me after a completion of a contract in EAST London,UK. When my boy friend got absconded with the undisclosed sum of US Dollars, this brought the first breakup between me and my dad, cos he thought, we had the deal together, but not knowing that I’m innocent about this.until my dad passed away….
It goes on for another few paragraphs about how her father worked for an oil company, yada yada yada, and ultimately ends in identifying that undisclosed sum of money, $10.4 million, and, of course, letting me know that she needs my help, offers me 30%, and you know the rest.
The editor in me couldn’t help but write back and offer my opinion —
I think you need to spend some time editing your work before it goes out again. Your writing, well, it’s got a lot to be desired. And, by the way, that doesn’t really mean it’s desirable. It’s a common phrase in English meaning you’re really missing the mark. And by “mark”, I mean… well… you’re not properly conveying your message. By the way, it also means what you were hoping I would be. English, what a language.
First of all, don’t indiscriminately capitalize words within a sentence, such as “it should be treated as Such“. On the other hand, do capitalize words that require it such as “I know that i will meet the right guy”. But don’t overcapitalize, such as “MY Dad worked with Oil Contractors…”. And, finally, make sure you use periods where needed. Too many run-on sentences don’t make for a good impression — of that smart, savvy, attractive girl I’m sure you are.
Now, let’s breakdown one of your sentences – “When my boy friend got absconded with the undisclosed sum of US Dollars, this brought the first breakup between me and my dad, cos he thought, we had the deal together, but not knowing that I’m innocent about this.until my dad passed away.”
- “…got absconded with” — you really need to find a better English translator. You’re not using the correct words here; it should simply be “absconded with”.
- Not “the undisclosed sum…”, it should be “an undisclosed sum…”.
- You don’t “bring a breakup”, you “cause a breakup”. Unless, of course, you’re in a really bad argument with your man and you’re gonna “bring it”, then the breakup is inevitable regardless.
- Speaking of “causes”, don’t use “cos”, it should be “because”. You’re trying too hard to be casual and, with the sum of money you’re talking about, you shouldn’t come across that way.
- The whole last part is wrong. “…we had the deal together, but not knowing that I’m innocent…” has problems on many levels which can be fixed simply by writing more succinctly. How about “he thought my boyfriend and I were conspiring against him”. You eliminate the following issues as well:
- You don’t want to use “we had the deal together” because it’s not clear who you’re referencing.
- Use “were conspiring”. Sure, I know that’s a big word, but sometimes you need to use them and you will as soon as you get a better English translator (see above suggestion).
- And leave out the last part ending with “until my dad passed away”. If he’s dead, he’s not going to know anything anyway so, believe me, it’s not necessary.
Since I’ve only covered a small part of a very long email (I really do think you should shorten it – you have to know where to start your story), you can only imagine how much work is left to do. If you’re interested, I can help you tighten this up. All you have to do is meet me at the Applebee’s on Warm Springs next Tuesday, along with that undisclosed sum of money that you say you have of which you can offer me 30% for my troubles and we can get down to some real business.
I have yet to hear back from her. Story of my life.
Until next time
Don’t Look Down